Choices

Like artists working with marble we carve ourselves out of our raw substance. Each choice a strike of the chisel.

Life is an unending series of choices. Choosing to speak or withhold, to act or remain still, to engage with our life or watch it pass by. The accumulation of these choices as we move through time carve grooves in the landscape of our being that act as channels for our thoughts and actions to flow through. The deeper the channel, the more habitual the action.

A pattern is created as they diverge and intersect, which ultimately forms our identity. An image of ourselves that tells us who we are as much as it imprisons us where we are.

What we give our attention to will ultimately shape us. The interests we pursue, the people we talk to, and what we allow ourselves to be hypnotised by are all moving parts in the mechanism of our destiny.

Like artists working with marble, we carve ourselves out of our raw substance. Each choice a strike of the chisel. Our day-to-day decisions compound over time, gradually forming the figure we become. The image we think of as ‘I.’ As children, it's hard to see how strongly we're influenced by what's around us, and even as adults it's hard to tell.

If you have no idea what's going on, it's reasonable to follow others who seem like they do. But when you unconsciously delegate your decisions to someone you think knows better, you're handing away your chisel. When you allow someone who can't intuitively feel your ‘you-ness’ to carve your character, it can never reflect the shape of your soul. Such a work of art can only be made by learning to hear the tune of your own song and being unafraid to sing it.

I often wonder whether anything is actually happening. Time makes it feel like there's a flow to things, but from a different perspective, everything has already happened. We experience it unfolding instead of seeing it rolled out on a table like a map. Unable to see everything there ever was all at once.

If energy can't be created or destroyed, then is everything that happens just energy moving from state to state in a closed loop system?

If there’s nothing gained, is there nothing lost?

If there’s nothing achieved, is there nothing failed?

If there’s nowhere to go, is there nowhere to be?

If we're alive and conscious now, what state are we in either side of this life?

I use the term ‘we’ quite abstractly here, because in a way, I don't think ‘we’ actually exist. ‘We’ are thoughts. ‘Dean,’ as I identify, is an ever-changing tapestry of personality weaved together by countless choices made by and for ‘him.’ What exists is this awareness. What exists is this moment.

We try to reject natural cycles at every turn for the sake of ego, but can't avoid that our fleshy little spaceships will one day stop flying, and our organisms will die. Returning all the energy that we've borrowed as our bodies decompose. And with the soft smile of eternal tranquillity we'll return to the natural state. All kinds of little fellas will help to distribute our physical essence throughout the universe as our important little drop melts back into the ocean.

Our birth is the result of countless events going back longer than the stars remember. All the bits of space dust that had to have been in the right places, all the hunts that had to have been successful, and all the creatures that had to have met for us to share this moment. It’s as though cosmic whirlwinds conspired to breathe life into you so that they could watch you fly. If everything is energy moving from state to state, what kind of choices should one little drop make?

There's a lot of tension that accompanies our way of life. Before we know it, we're swept away from ourselves and conditioned into being productive members of an economy. It's not something done by nefarious people for nefarious means. It's done by people who had the same thing done to them, by people who had the same thing done to them.

I wouldn't say that our current style of conditioning is the worst, only that we need to be aware of it. Because if it's left to fester unconsciously, it will manipulate the mind into betraying the heart. A subtle betrayal that may go unnoticed, but will manifest as a subtle sensation of the self restrained in a straitjacket that screams from within to be set free. As though there is an ebb and flow to the tide of ourselves that knows nothing of wealth, status, and society. That’s the ‘is-ness’ that we seek when we look for ourselves. Yet the necessary thrashing of adapting to our way of life makes it impossible to feel our natural flow.

Western Society values order and logic above all else, but we're inherently chaotic and intuitive beings. To think yourself a logical person, is to somewhat misunderstand the situation. Emotion is the driver. Logic is the GPS that while necessary for getting us where we need to go, can never take us off marked roads.

In a lot of cases, it's putting too many chips into logical thinking that trips us up. Trying to logic yourself into the right outcome is usually what makes you do nothing, because you're spending all your time thinking, instead of paying attention. You miss the opportunities that life willingly presents.

I find myself being paralysed more often than I'd like, as my mind tries to desperately think of the best thing to say and do. None of what it offers ever seeming good enough, so nothing comes out and I just sit still. But the best responses usually happen when the mind is empty. When it's allowed to peacefully idle instead of being whipped into overdrive.

Almost as if the answer doesn't appear out of trying to think up clever responses, but instead emerges out of what's happening. And the trick is being aware enough to catch it.

Life is inherently a creative act because nothing that happens has ever happened before. The world constantly flings shit at us and we need to constantly improvise responses. The quality of which determines the quality of our lives. Not necessarily socio-economically, but something deeper.

When the threat of exclusion is thrown at us, there's a stark choice to make. Do you betray yourself to conform, or do you dance to your own song?

Without the security of knowing who we are in our bones, it's all too easy to choose the former. We're social primates, groups are like our whole thing. But sometimes you come across individuals who know who they are so strongly, it's as if their being radiates light in the most inspiring way.

It's an infectious feeling that makes you want to be in their presence because they offer you a glimpse of what it could feel like to fearlessly manifest yourself in the world. Almost as if the act of overcoming the fear of rejection is what solidifies your belonging.

If a conscious choice of who you will become is not made, then something else is going to make that choice for you.

I think a lot of the desire for acceptance from others is the projection of a desire to accept ourselves. We slowly try to iron out the kinks in our character as we see them, gradually growing into who we want to be. A task done by one with an eye for inadequacy who will never be satisfied.

Self-acceptance sounds do-able, but there will most likely always be a part of us that's dissatisfied with ourselves. Maybe the solution is to calm the inner critic down so that the critiques aren't laced with so much venom. Then, accept that a part will never accept itself.

We need to keep evolving, so it seems necessary to have an aspect of ourselves that can help us achieve that. The one who wants to grow, and the one who shits on themselves, are both the same person. Both just channels carved by choices.